04 May 23 Of The Darkest, Most Hysterical And Most Bizarre Confessions From A Sex Therapist

Sex is an important part of most people’s relationships, which is why couples will go to great lengths to keep it as fresh and pleasurable as possible. Unfortunately, poor communication and a lack of willingness to compromise often has a disastrous effect on the sex lives of ordinary couples.

And in many cases, this can end up ending the relationship for good, as one or both partners decide their relationship isn’t worth the total lack of satisfaction.

This certainly doesn’t have to be the case – sex-related issues are something that can be worked on with enough dedication and determination. If couples set aside enough time to talk about what it is they really want, – and what they don’t want – there is potential for it to improve.

However, when all else fails, booking a much-needed visit to a sex therapist is probably your best bet. And there’s really no need to be embarrassed or ashamed about it. From the most unusual fantasies to troubling and traumatic pasts – sex therapists have heard it all.

So, without further ado, here are 23 confessions from a sex therapist about things they have heard and learned from decades’ worth of experience in the profession.

1. They definitely don’t have sex with their patients

“You’re thinking of sex surrogates, and that’s a very different thing. Surrogates work closely with individuals who are having sexual problems, and part of that work can involve having sex with their clients. We just talk about sex – we don’t do it.”

Find out this sex therapist’s unexpected answer to the question, “Do you have sex with your clients?”

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2. Sex therapists hate Fifty Shades of Grey

“Suddenly couples were showing up in our offices, often upset because one partner had tried to act out their Fifty Shades fantasies and the other didn’t want to. The novels don’t contain much clear or helpful information about how to start experimenting with BDSM. It should be approached very carefully and sensitively.”

3. Sometimes they have no idea what to say

“Just when we think we’ve heard it all, someone will always surprise us with a new fetish. Even though we’re pretty unshockable, we might still need a second to gather our thoughts if you tell us you love sticking wooden spoons up your butt while masturbating to old episodes of Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares.”

4. Contrary to what you might think – sex therapists don’t watch their clients have sex

“We’re therapists, not sexual-technique coaches. Our work is basically problem-solving: helping couples communicate about sex, helping individuals feel more confident sexually, and working through deeper issues around love and relationships. We certainly don’t stand in the corner of bedrooms with a clipboard.”

5. They work with older people more than you’d expect

“A lot of retirement age couples find their sex life has been gradually dropping off for years, and worry they might never have sex again if they don’t fix it. We tend to give these couples exercises to help them reconnect, starting with holding hands and cuddling, then moving on to kissing and sexual touching.”

6. People react inappropriately when sex therapists tell them what their job is

“And the responses we do get tend to be inappropriate, e.g. “Ooh, I could do with some help from you!” or “Well, a sex therapist is the last thing I need, I get laid all the time.” Come on, we just met you at a party, we don’t need to know that.”

7. They sometimes use graphic photographs

“Sometimes, the only way to explain something clearly is to use quite graphic photographs. Some couples aren’t happy about seeing them, but realising what a broad range of genital sizes, sexual positions, sexual acts, options, and body shapes there is out there can help them feel better about themselves.”

8. They pull out an explicit 3D model every now and again

“Occasionally we might use 3D models as well. It’s hard to pleasure someone else if you’re not sure how their equipment works. A lot of men think the cervix is on the outside of the vagina, for example, which can cause quite a bit of confusion.”

9. Many couple’s sex lives go downhill after having kids

“Just because the doctor says it’s OK to have sex again six weeks after childbirth, that doesn’t mean things immediately snap back into place. A woman might find she’s too sore, or self-conscious, or both parents might simply be too tired. We often end up comforting new parents and reassuring them that the situation is normal.”

10. Communication really is key to a healthy sex life

“Many couples can have sex but can’t bring themselves to talk about the details, i.e. what they enjoy most. This in turn can put people off sex, because they find it unsatisfying but they can’t face asking their partner to change their technique. Our sessions help people open up about what really gives them pleasure.”

11. People generally don’t know their own bodies well enough to know what gets them off

“Masturbation and self-exploration (sometimes involving looking at your genitals in a mirror) can help you get to know your body and learn about what feels good for you. In turn, this will help you guide your partners to those sweet, sensitive spots.”

12. Not having sex might work for some couples

“But if both partners are comfortable with that, why should it be? It’s seen as the worst thing in the world, but some very loving relationships do end up being nonsexual for various reasons, and we can help people come to terms with this.”

13. It can be pretty funny at times

“We do find some of the stuff our clients say pretty darn funny, especially the misconceptions about anatomy (“I fingered her ovaries!”), and we do talk about some of the funniest things outside work, but we’d never tell anyone your name, or go into loads of detail about the ins and outs (heh) of your sex drive and habits.”

14. Some clients have had really dark and traumatic pasts

“Obviously sex problems don’t just appear from nowhere, and sometimes we hear some really traumatic things that have happened in people’s pasts. We’re trained to deal with this, of course, but it can be a daunting, painful process.”

15. It’s not necessary to tell your therapist about your deepest, darkest fantasies

“We might suggest you write down your fantasies and discuss them with your partner if you feel comfortable with that, but you don’t have to tell us your deepest, darkest, most unusual desires. Unless you really want to, of course.”

16. Women often feel inadequate if they can’t orgasm the “real way”

“And by that, they mean penetrative intercourse. But the reality is that the clitoris and the opening of the vagina aren’t always positioned in a way that makes it possible, and a lot of women feel self-conscious pleasuring themselves during sex. We work hard to explain there’s no real, right, or (particularly) wrong way to do things.”

17. Men have a lot of insecurities about size and performance

“Porn makes it seem like every man has a massive d*** and has no problem at all keeping an erection, lasting for hours in bed, and ejaculating at the end of it all. There’s also a feeling that you’re less of a man if you don’t perform as expected. We might end up referring some clients to a doctor if their problems are medical.”

18. Women get dryer in their nether regions as they age

“Again, this is perfectly normal and doesn’t mean you don’t find your partner attractive, or feel horny, but it can take a while to come to terms with these physical changes and understand what’s causing them. Thankfully, lube exists.”

19. Compromise is important 

“If one person in a relationship wants sex more than their partner, they often end up feeling very hurt whenever they’re turned down. Learning to compromise can really help in this situation, as can finding ways to take the sting out of rejection: like kissing, cuddling, and finding other ways to be intimate with each other.”

20. Clients often feel insecure about how their sex life compares to others

“There are so many strange ideas floating around about how much sex “typical” people should be having. Some people book appointments in a panic because they’re only having sex four nights a week and it used to be seven. Yes, we’re sex therapists, but we’d be the first to admit that sex isn’t the be-all and end-all.”

21. Clients want to know if they are “normal”

“Meaning “Do I/we have a normal amount of sex?” or “Do I last for the normal amount of time?” There’s an easy answer to this – nothing is normal! Instead of trying to fit in with what you’ve seen on TV, in magazines, or in porn films, explore what you want, what you enjoy, and what your specific desires are.”

22. Don’t worry about your genitals not being “normal”

“A lot of clients feel self conscious about their vagina or penis and decide it looks “weird”, especially compared to porn. We have diagrams, drawings, and photos that show how vastly different people’s hoo-hahs and willies are, which helps.”

23. Laughter and sex totally go hand in hand

“Once sex starts to become “serious” or “an issue”, i.e. something you’re going to therapy for, it feels more pressured. Laughter can help diffuse that tension and get things back on track. Sex games, roleplay, and toys are fantastic ways to start, but don’t take it too far and dress as a clown (unless you really want to).”

So there we have it: if you are worried that your sex life isn’t “normal”, trust the experts, it’s most likely completely normal. And if you’re that worried – perhaps it really would be advisable that you see a sex therapist and allow them to put your fears to bed.

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